My Little Cat Problem

 I’ve got a cat problem.  I spotted one hiding in my hostas a few weeks ago – just a little tabby cat.  Even though I know better, I put out a bowl of water on the back deck.  This summer’s been a scorcher, and I felt bad for the little guy.  I didn’t see that one again, but I wake up to an empty water bowl every morning now. I saw a fat orange one running along the fence the next week, and a little black one under the deck a few days later.  I think there’s gotta be more because that water bowl’s pretty big.  

I was worried about finding number twos all over the yard, but I haven’t seen any yet.  Maybe they found somebody else’s yard to do their business in.  

The problem is the presents.  I’ll wake up and find a dead bird or chipmunk on my back porch.  Sometimes I’ll go to sweep them into the dustpan and find out they’re not quite dead after all.  Some mornings, I'll find bits of trash, too – an old ball of tin foil, a scrap of fabric, etc.  At least I know those aren’t going to squirm back to life all the sudden.  I just had the deck refinished, though.  I’m trying to keep it clean.  

I was talking to Lin about it, but she said she hasn’t really noticed any more cats than usual in her yard.  Lin’s my neighbor on the right.  She just painted her house this ugly green color, even though I warned her.  I asked if she knew anybody who does stray cat trap and rescue, but she didn’t.  

I can’t ask my left-side neighbor Juan about it because he’s never out in his yard these days.  I think he’s avoiding me because I kept asking him to prune his maple tree.  He claimed it wasn’t an issue because it’s so far from the property line, so I had to break it to him that trees grow.  He just told me he’d prune it if it ever started growing close to my yard.  I couldn’t believe how flip he was being about it.  In any case, I haven’t noticed any cats out in his yard when I’m looking over there.  

I couldn’t ask the neighbor behind us because there isn’t one; our cul de sac backs up to a little hill with trees on it.  That’s probably where the cats are coming from, come to think of it.  

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Lonnie, why don’t you just stop refilling that water bowl every morning?”  Well, Dr. Phil, I thought about that, but I feel responsible for the cats now.  That’s why I've been trying to find a rescue service.

Anyway, things kind of came to a head last week.  These two nice young gentlemen came to my door to tell me about their church.  I’ve been happily attending Holier Redeemer for thirty years now, but I figured I’d hear them out anyway.  I don’t get too many visitors.  

The taller one started telling me about the church and what they believe in. He kept saying things like "intrinsically meaningless" and showed me some pictures of moose. It all sounded a little wacky to me, but I guess so does anybody else's religion.  I was about to invite them in for some iced tea when the shorter one suddenly grabbed his knee and fell down, wailing.  I barely had a chance to think Short people always have to draw attention to themselves! when the taller one went down too.  Well, wouldn’t you know it?  One of the cats was clinging to his shin, biting and scratching and wailing like all hell had broken loose.  I wanted to help them, but the second they got their bearings, they both just got up and took off running. I didn’t even have a chance to offer them some Neosporin.   The cat shot off into the hedgewood.  I’ve never seen a cat act like that before.  Maybe he’s got some bobcat in him.  

I wanted to run right over and tell Lin about it, but I was afraid of getting attacked by that wildcat now.  So I went in the back of my closet and put on my old leg warmers from my jazzercise days.  I wasn’t sure if they’d be enough protection, but I didn’t get attacked anyway.  After all that, Lin wasn’t even home.  I left a note on her door. 

That was the final straw.  I needed to get these cats taken care of.  I found a lady on Facebook named Gloria who does cat rescue on a volunteer basis.  I emailed her, and we made an appointment for 3 P.M. yesterday so she could do an “assessment”.  I warned her about the wildcat who attacked those young men, but she didn’t seem concerned.  

Gloria showed up an hour early.  I decided to be the bigger person and not complain since she was helping me out for free.  She was tiny and dowdy-looking, with a big ‘ol windbreaker and frizzy hair.  She barely said hello; just asked me to show her to the back deck.  I started telling her the full story of the attack on the missionaries, but she cut me off once we got out on the deck.

“Is this the water bowl?” She didn’t even look at me when she asked the question; just kept staring at the bowl.  I told her it was.  “Oh, no, no, no, no.”  She shook her head and dumped all the water off the side of the deck.  I was so shocked, I couldn’t find the words to give her a piece of my mind before she started speaking again.  “Still water is a breeding ground for bacteria.  You might as well put out a bowl of strychnine.”  

“Now, wait just a minute – “

“You need to give them flowing water, like in nature.  You can buy fountain bowls at any pet store. Make sure the bowl’s metal, not plastic.  And fill it with distilled spring water.”  She still didn’t see fit to look at me during this whole lecture.  She was talking at me the same way doctors do when I tell them about my fybro.  Mad as I was, I couldn’t get a word in edgewise, and that gave me enough time to take a breath and decide I’d better just let her do her thing.  She was doing me a favor, after all.  

She set up a fountain-bowl, a catch-and-release trap with treats in it, and a couple of motion-sensor cameras “to see how many cats we’re actually dealing with.” She told me her phone alarm would go off when the cameras were activated so she could come and get each cat as soon as it was captured.  I was to leave the fence unlocked.  I didn’t love the idea of her showing up in my backyard at 2 a.m., but she made it clear that this was non-negotiable.  After testing out the cameras, she marched back out the front door.  I assumed she’d gone to get something else out of her car, but after five minutes, I realized she’d left.  

I put in ear plugs when I went to bed last night; I didn't want Gloria waking me up.  

There was a text from Gloria when I checked my phone this morning: “PLEASE CALL ME ASAP.”  The “please” startled me even more than the all-caps.  

Still in a bit of a huff, I decided to take a shower and make a cup of coffee before calling her.  I also checked the back deck: the trap was currently empty, and there was a dead mole-rat by the back door.  I guess they hadn’t been scared off by the trap.  I kicked the mole-rat out of the way because I was too sleepy to deal with it yet.  

It was a warm morning, so I decided to call Gloria from a deck chair.  She answered on the first ring.

“Oh, hello, Lonnie.  Thank you for calling me.”  I was a bit taken aback by how timid and polite she sounded all of the sudden.  What happened to the battle-axe from yesterday?

“Hi, Gloria.  Did you catch any of them last night?”

“Well, no.”  She paused for a good 2-3 seconds.  “But – uh – there’s something I think you need to see.”

“Ok?”

“I’m going to send you the – uh – footage.  From the cameras.  It’s…I think it would be best… well, you can decide what you want to do with it.”  

“What’s on it?” 

“I’m – I’m going to email it to you right now.  It’s a .wav file.  You can open it with any digital media player.  I have to go now.  Have a very nice day.”  She immediately hung up the phone.  

Well, now I was curious. The email was already there by the time I got the app open.  It took me fifteen minutes to find the stupid file after I downloaded it.  

The clip was in black and white.  I had to pause it to go get my readers so I could see better.  I pressed play again.  The time stamp said 1:45 AM.  The view was of my back deck, looking out toward Juan’s backyard.  I didn’t see any cats, but then I noticed motion over from Juan’s side.  You could just make out his back door opening and him stepping outside.  My first thought was: well, this sure is one way to avoid running into me in the yard.  But then he came closer, and it wasn’t Juan.  

It was a woman – I was pretty sure it was, anyway – with long hair.  When had Juan gotten a girlfriend?  And why was she skulking around in the middle of the night?  The closer she got, I could see how scraggly the hair was.  She came closer and closer until she was climbing the stairs up to my deck.  I yelped when her face suddenly came into frame.  Except you couldn’t see her face; her messy hair was in the way.

  

I watched her stoop down and pick up the fountain bowl – she made a motion like she was surprised by it – like she was expecting my usual bowl.  Then, she tilted back her head and drank all the water in one gulp. She set it back down. If she noticed the trap, she didn't react to it. 

After that, she reached into her pocket and pulled something out.  It was a little animal, twitching, all panicked-like.  I glanced back at the dead mole-rat behind me, then back at the screen just in time to watch her snap its neck.  I shrieked.  She gently put it down right by the back door, then turned and headed back toward Juan’s house.  The screen went black.

I had to get off that deck.  I ran back in the house and slammed the door.  I kept going until I was in my bedroom closet.  I sat there for what must’ve been an hour, mostly not thinking anything.  

After a while, I started looking around me and just took in my surroundings.  For some reason, one of my sweaters got my attention. It made me think of that scrap of fabric the cats – or, well, you know – had left me one night.  It was patterned: blue and black zig zags.  I didn’t realize at the time, but I’ve seen that pattern somewhere before.  Juan wore that t-shirt all the time when he was out mowing his lawn.