Daddy Issues

 “Jesus, no wonder the house was always so tidy.  Mom stashed all the junk in here.”  

The storage unit was stuffed wall-to-wall with overflowing boxes.  There was barely any room to maneuver around. 

Kyle gestured “after you” to his big sister, and Shannon began hazarding her way into the 9x9 unit, bumping boxes and plastic tubs with every step.  Kyle followed.  They managed to penetrate about a third of the way into the unit before it became impassable.

Kyle looked around and made the same face he did when their mom used to make them rake leaves as kids.

“Don’t get overwhelmed.  We don’t need to dig through everything in each box.  We can just glance inside and see if the stuff’s worth keeping or not. Then we stack the keepers outside the door and start carrying them to the van.  It’ll go fast once we get into a rhythm.”

Kyle wanted to snap at his sister for talking down to him, but instead he just nodded.  This was going to be a lot more unpleasant if they were fighting in close quarters for the next eight hours.  

“You start with these boxes on the right here.  I’ll start on the left.”

“OK, sounds good.”

They worked mostly in silence for the next couple hours.  The first few boxes were mostly old documents – mortgage paperwork, tax returns, etc.   Kyle would occasionally ask Shannon if she thought they should keep something or not.  She’d study the box and either nod or shake her head.  He tried to tell himself he wasn’t asking her permission – just getting a second opinion.  

The storage unit was a recent discovery: Shannon had been going through their mom’s credit card statements last week and noticed a monthly charge from UStore4Less.  They’d just breathed a sigh of relief after getting the house and car sold, and now there was suddenly a bonus round of effects to sort through.  

They were onto old Christmas and Halloween decorations now.  Kyle wanted to get rid of all of them, but Shannon insisted they at least keep the homemade tree ornaments.  

“Fine, but you’re keeping them at your place.  You know my apartment’s not very….”  He stopped talking when he realized she wasn’t paying attention to him anymore.  She was intently focused on the contents of her latest box.  She was flipping through an Eckerd envelope of old photos.  “Oh, hey.  Are those pictures of us?”  

“No, these are really old.  It looks like from when mom was in college.”  

“Are there any of her and dad when they were dating?  Tania was asking to see what dad looked like, and I realized I don’t have any pictures of him."  Their dad had died when they were both in college – fluke heart attack. 

“Yeah, mom never took pictures.  I only have one photo of her – that one with G-maw and G-paw at Mount Rushmore.” Kyle nodded.  She flipped through the rest of the pictures and shook her head.  “There are a couple of her with some random dudes – maybe old boyfriends? – but none with dad.  These are great, though.  Mom looks so young and chic.”  

Kyle turned back to his latest box, but Shannon tapped him on the shoulder.

“Check these out: Christmas 2008.”  She handed him a CVS envelope.  He flipped through while she watched.

“God, I had that Caesar haircut for so long.”  

“You really did.” 

He kept flipping through.

“There aren’t any of dad in here either.”

“He was probably taking the photos.”

“But like there’s literally a family photo with us and mom posing in front of the tree.  Cameras had delay timers back then.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s kinda weird.  But there’s a couple more photo sets in here.  He’ll be in one of them.”  She turned back to the photos, and Kyle turned back to his box.  He buried his annoyance that Ms. Taskmaster was defying her own directions by going through every last photo in the box.

She nudged his back a couple minutes later.  

“Hey, here we go.  These are from your high school graduation.  Dad’ll be in here.”  He leaned over her shoulder while she shuffled through the deck.  He periodically pointed out old high school friends, and she made fun of his quiff (successor to the Caesar.)  They both got quiet as they got further into the deck.

“He’s seriously not in any of these?  I know he was there.”

“No, we took a family photo with all of us in front of the trophy case.  I remember that.  It’s gotta be in there.”  

“Oh, yeah! With your wrestling trophy. I remember that too.”

Shannon flicked through the remaining photos until they saw the trophy case photo.  It was just like Kyle had described – except that there were only three people in it:  Shannon, Kyle, and their mom.  

The siblings sorted through the remaining boxes in silence.  

The next evening, Kyle was out to eat with Tania when his phone lit up with a call from Shannon.  He excused himself to step outside.  Tania made a WTF look at his back as he walked away.

“Hey, what’s up?  Everything OK?”

“Hey.”

“Hey?”

“I went through the rest of those pictures after I got home.  Dad wasn’t in any of them.”  She sounded dangerously caffeinated.  

“OK.”

“So then I went back through the stuff we kept from the house.  No pictures of dad.”  She paused, and Kyle realized he was supposed to react to this information. 

“Well, mom never took pictures, so….”

“I found our birth certificates.  Yours, mine, and mom’s.  Not dad’s.” 

“Shan, I’ve gotta get back –”

“Unknown father.” 

“What?”  An involuntary shiver jerked through Kyle.

“On both of ours.  The father line says ‘Unknown’.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“I know.”

“Are you at home?”

“Yeah, come over.”

“OK.”

Kyle went straight to his car.  He had ten missed calls from Tania by the time he got to Shannon’s condo.  His sister swung open the door before he could ring the bell.  She was wearing a bathrobe and her hair was all over the place.  The conversation picked up right where it had left off.

“So…this means…”  Kyle followed her into her living room.  

“I found a pamphlet for a sperm donation place in with some other documents, but no actual proof of purchase or anything.”  They sat on the sofa and faced the black TV screen.  

“So…what?  Mom got inseminated, and dad adopted us?” 

She paused before replying.  

“You remember how mom was too upset to have a funeral for dad?  Even when we offered to handle everything?”

“Yeah….”

“I couldn’t find his death certificate in the boxes with important paperwork, so I called the county to request a copy.  Nothing on file.”

Kyle finally looked at his sister.  She continued looking straight ahead.

“Shan, what the fuck are you saying?”  

“No marriage certificate in mom’s name, either.  And of course dad’s parents died before we were born, and he didn’t have any siblings.”

“OK, so, Jesus. Was he was hiding his identity because he’d done something illegal, or…?”

“We only ever had one car, even though mom and dad both worked.”

“Well, that’s….” He started unconsciously scratching the left side of his face.

“Do you remember any of your friends ever meeting dad?  He was always on business trips when they came over, right?”

“Uh, well…I’m sure he must have met Zach….maybe….”

“What about dad’s friends?  Do you remember meeting any of them?  Even a coworker?”

“Um…” He'd switched to the right side now.

“Do you remember any encounter between dad and someone who wasn’t us or mom?  Even G-maw or G-paw?”

“OK, this is – what are you even fucking saying?”

She finally turned to face him.

“Ky, what did dad look like?”

He made a surprised “pfft” noise before answering.

“Are you serious?" 

She nodded.

"He was -- he was, you know. Medium height. A little stocky.  And balding.  He looked like Matt Lauer. You know this.”  

She nodded again.

“Yeah, so in my memories, he’s tall and thin. With thick salt-and-pepper hair.  Like Mr. Rogers. I can picture him perfectly.”

Kyle’s Prius shot into the parking lot at the Best Intentions memory care facility right at the start of visiting hours the next morning.  The two hungover siblings took off their sunglasses and squinted in the weak morning daylight while they waited for the receptionist to buzz them in.  

“You know she’s not gonna be able to tell us anything now.”

“Yeah, well, she’s the only one with answers.  We gotta try.”

They proceeded down the sad corridor to their mom’s little room.  She answered on the seventh knock.

“Oh!  Hello.  Are you here to check for radon?”

“No, mom.  We’re –”

Kyle shot his sister a look. 

“Yes, ma’am. Should only take us about five minutes.”

“Oh, great.  Come right in.  Sorry, it’s a bit of a wreck in here.”

They awkwardly walked around the room and pretended to take radon readings with their phones for a couple minutes while their mom finished making her little adjustable bed below the little grated window.  She still insisted on getting the corners maddeningly precise.  Shannon wanted to rip the stupid thing off and throw it on the floor.

Finally, she finished and sat in the little chair in front of the little TV.  Shannon and Kyle looked at her with their outstretched phones pointing to various parts of the room, feeling ridiculous.  She smiled at them.

“So.”  She said.  

“Yeah, uh…no radon so far.”  

“Mmmm.”  They all stared at each other for a moment.  

“You two are very attractive.  Are you married?”

“No, we just work together.”

“Mmmm.”  

Kyle got an idea while pointing his phone at an old Lilian Vernon Christmas catalog on the little vanity.  He reached into his messenger bag and pulled out the family photo from Christmas 2008.  He handed it to his mother.

“I think you dropped this.”

“Oh!” She smiled.  “This is me with my kids.  They’re not here right now.”

“Must be at school,” he offered.

“Mmmm.”  

“Is your husband home?”  Shannon cut in.  Kyle shot her another look, but the question didn’t seem to phase their mom.

“No, I’m not married.  It’s not so unusual to be a single mom these days, is it?”

“No, ma’am.  Very common.  Very normal.”

“Mmmm.  I used to feel so guilty.  I thought I was depriving them of something.  It worried me so much that I – well, whatever I might have told them, I thought it was the right thing to do at the time. I think they believed what they needed to believe, in the end.  They’re really great kids.”

Shannon opened her mouth, but Kyle shook his head sharply.  The initial spike of irritation passed quickly, and she took a deep breath and nodded.

“Well, we should get going.  Thank you so much for your time.”

“Of course.  Come by anytime.”  

They managed to make it back out to the parking lot before the adrenaline ebbed. Shannon started heave-sobbing, and Kyle puked up the two bread rolls he'd eaten at dinner. It took them a good twenty minutes to collect themselves and clean up with the wet wipes in her center console.

The car ride back to Shannon’s condo was silent.  She finally broke it on the walk to her front door.

“I have half a Valium left from my last flight.  We could split it.” 

Kyle gave her a thumbs up.  

They washed the quarter-Valiums down with store-brand La Croixs and sat on the sofa while they waited for them to kick in.

“So, she pretended we had a dad, and we just –”  

“Ran with it, yeah.”  Shannon finished her brother’s thought.  

He picked up an empty gum wrapper from the table and fiddled with it.

“So....are we....like, mentally ill?”

She considered for a few moments.

“If we are, we’re getting away with it.  You know? We have friends. We have good jobs.  I own this place, and you have a serious girlfriend.”

“Aw, fuck.  I still gotta call her back.  She probably thinks I’m dead.  Wait, maybe she’s not real.” He started scratching at his face again.

“I’ve met her.”

“That’s not, like…very reassuring, actually.”  

She lightly smacked his head.

“OK, dickhead.  Your friends have met her, too.  You have pictures of her in your phone.”

He sighed in relief but then remembered that the real Tania was probably about to dump his ass real hard. 

They went quiet again. Shannon put on Food Network and they watched Rachel Ray make disgusting-looking curries until the Valium started to decompress them.  Kyle grabbed the remote and muted it during a commercial break.

“I have this super clear memory of him giving me the sex talk in eighth grade.”

“Gross.”

“He kept looking me in the eyes, but I could tell he was forcing himself so I wouldn't think he was uncomfortable. I can vividly remember him telling me I need to start shaving my balls because women don’t like the feeling of hair down there.”

“Ok, well that’s bullshit.”  

“Wait, really?  He said it like it was something everybody knew.”

“You must have heard Adam Corolla say it or something. Ask Tania if she cares. If she’s still speaking to you.”

“Shit.  Years of razor burn for nothing.”  Shannon winced.  “He was…uh….a good dad, though.  Right?  I feel like he gave us what we needed.”

“Eh, I always kinda blamed him for my anxiety disorder.  He was so hard on me. It was like every single fucking thing I did was high-stakes. God forbid I fuck up a piano recital or minor in Communications.”

“He wasn’t really like that with me.”  

“Yeah, well.  You were the baby.”

“I dunno.  I think he was probably just doing the best he could.  It was his first time being a parent, you know?"

She sighed.

“Yeah, you’re right. I know you’re right.”  She looked at her brother.  “Mom, too.”

He hesitated then turned to look back at her.

"Yeah. Mom, too."